Facing Disapproval and Finding Self-Love After Leaving Religion
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A dream with a deeper meaning
Recently, I had a dream that brought some intense suppressed emotions to the surface. In the dream, some of my closest friends came to my house and started harshly criticizing one of the children’s books that I have authored. They didn’t just criticize it—they created their own version of it, as if to show me how they thought it should be done. Their words cut deep, and I found myself screaming in rage, pounding my fists on the floor, consumed by hurt and anger.
I woke up in a cold sweat, my heart racing, and the dream still felt so real. The harsh words echoed in my mind, and I could feel the emotions flooding back to my body. Spencer, my husband, turned over and asked, “Is everything okay?” It was in that moment, as I broke down in tears, that I realized the dream wasn’t really about the children’s book. It was about me—about the fear of disapproval from those I love most.
The Deep-Rooted Fear of Disapproval
As I reflected on the dream, I realized that the children's book represented who I am becoming. Creating these books has been an important part of my own healing journey. Through them, I’ve been able to go back to my childhood self, providing her with the words, resources, and validation she needed but didn’t always receive. These books are my heart on the page and sharing them feels like sharing a vulnerable piece of myself with the world.
In the dream, my friends didn’t just disapprove of the book—they rewrote it. This symbolizes the blueprints that people in my life have for me, the expectations they’ve placed on who I should be, how I should act, and how I should live.
I Was a People Pleaser Through and Through
For most of my life, I’ve been a people pleaser, seeking validation and approval from those around me. Also, for the first 30 years of my life I had never challenged my religious beliefs and the very strict lifestyle and rules that I was being asked to adhere to. I had a specific plan and blueprint for my life placed before me. Starting with my baby blessing then moving onto baptism, seminary graduation, a mission, marriage in the temple, having children, and then serving the rest of my life in the church. And although many people will say I had a choice in the matter, when you bring the cultural pressure and the deep indoctrination into the mix, I really didn’t have much of a choice at all. Especially when you consider that most of these “choices” take place before someone turns 25. I followed the prescribed blueprint almost to a T and I made all those life decisions before my brain was even fully developed.
Confronting Criticism and Fear
My faith expansion and deconstruction happened nearly 3 years ago and it was at that point I decided to finally start thinking for myself and to live life according to my own dictates. Unfortunately however, as I’ve embarked on this journey of self-discovery and spiritual growth, and especially as I have stepped away from the LDS church, I’ve faced more criticism than ever before. People have questioned my choices, expressed concerns about my children’s future, and gossiped behind my back.
It’s been painful and hard. But what this dream brought to light was the deeper fear that lies beneath it all—the fear of disapproval from those I love most. The rage I felt in the dream was the bottled-up frustration of always being placed in a box, expected to fit someone else’s mold.
The Power of Letting Go of Others' Blueprints
When I woke up from that dream, the emotions were still raw. But instead of pushing them away, I allowed myself to feel everything. I cried, I journaled, and I processed. That dream was a message from my soul, showing me the fears, I still need to confront. It revealed the part of me that is still afraid of judgment, still afraid of being misunderstood or rejected by those I care about.
The truth is people will always have blueprints for me. They will always have their own expectations of me. But living according to someone else’s script no longer serves me. My journey is about learning to trust my own heart, my own intuition, and my own blueprint for life.
But the reality is, people’s opinions of me have little to do with who I really am and everything to do with their own inner worlds, fears, and insecurities. My worth is not determined by their approval. I am happy with where I am and with who I am becoming. I love the person I am growing into, and I am proud of the work I am doing. I can have my own back.
My Children’s Books: A Reflection of My Journey
This is where my children’s books come in. They’ve been a creative and emotional outlet for me during my healing journey. Writing these books has allowed me to give voice to the emotions and experiences that were once silenced. They are an expression of the self-love and self-trust I am working to nurture within myself. Each story reflects a lesson I’m learning—about embracing emotions, building self-confidence, and finding joy in who I truly am.
These stories are for children, yes, but they’re also for the inner child in all of us who still needs to hear that we are enough, just as we are.
💫 Explore My Book Series 💫
If you’re interested in supporting your child’s emotional development, or if you want to connect with the message of self-love in a tangible way, my books are designed to help children embrace their feelings, trust their hearts, and love who they are.
Explore Other Tools for Your Journey
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🌙 Thank you for being here — trust what’s rising within you and keep unearthing your true self.
Rooted in gratitude, KELSEY!!!! 🌿
